Relationships
The Harvard Study of Adult Development showed close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives.
“The surprising finding is how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health,” said Robert Waldinger, director of the study, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes.
“Good relationships don’t just protect our bodies; they protect our brains,” said Waldinger in his popular TED Talk. “And those good relationships, they don’t have to be smooth all the time. Some of our octogenarian couples could bicker with each other day in and day out, but as long as they felt that they could really count on the other when the going got tough, those arguments didn’t take a toll on their memories.”
“The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.”
Have you ever felt calmer just being around someone who’s relaxed and paying attention to you? Someone's steady, attentive presence helps another person's nervous system settle - neuroscience calls this co-regulation. Research shows that perceived social support strengthens neural regulation of stress, enhancing activity in brain circuits involved in emotional control and reducing threat responses.
“I like to think about co-regulation as ‘borrowing’ a regulated nervous system,” says Tina Shrader, LMFT, communication therapist and founder of Empower Family Therapy. “Co-regulation is what happens when one person's regulation helps another person find their way back to a more regulated state.”
The example Shrader likes to use is a parent with their baby. “When an infant is upset, a parent might rock them, shush them, hold them, or speak softly,” she explains. “But what actually matters most is the parent's ability to stay regulated themselves. The baby is borrowing that calm.”
The concept is discussed in the context of parenting, but co-regulation helps turn the intensity of emotions up and down and works in therapy, healing sessions, friendships and romantic relationships.
“One of the reasons relationships can be so healing is that many people learn regulation through co-regulation first,” Shrader says. “We often learn how to calm ourselves because someone else helped us feel calm enough, consistently enough, over time.”
Co-regulation to get through stressful times.
If you’ve ever wondered how to be a calming presence for someone else, the answer often is less about what you say and more about how regulated you feel. “Even simple presence—no touch, no words—reduces physiological threat responses in others,” Shrader says.
“Start with yourself and stay in your body. Most people try to co-regulate by focusing on the other person's emotions,” Shrader explains. “In reality, the best thing you can often do is stay connected to your own regulation.” That might sound counterintuitive, but here’s a shortcut way to be present and calm, according to Shrader:
Slow your breathing.
Notice your body.
Stay present.
Listen more than you talk.
Resist the urge to immediately fix, solve, or convince.
Of course, co-regulation isn’t a one-way street. We need people we can turn to when our own nervous systems feel overwhelmed. Whether it’s a trusted friend, partner, family member, therapist, or support group, relationships are important for emotional well-being.
Stories about people who survive the unthinkable solo, through sheer grit, alone, leave out a crucial part of the story. Survivors are shaped by the people around them. Healing happens in the presence of someone who stays, listens, and creates a sense of safety—without judgment. That steady presence makes the first leaps of recovery possible. Safety lets the body settle, connection eases isolation, and we need a space for honesty without rushing to "fix" everything, says psychologist and business consultant Ryan C. Warner. "Those small moments of presence add up," he says. "Even in the midst of pain, the possibility of hope, resilience, and meaningful change is always there."
“I’m a single mum. I do almost everything with my kids. My adventures become their adventures. My courage becomes theirs," says Virginia Mary Ann, founder of The Chaotic Empire and host of Make A Scene. “So bring your people with you. Take the kids somewhere weird. Rope your friend into something. Turn a dare into Saturday’s family adventure. Let your partner choose where you go. Make something you were already doing slightly more interesting.”
“I wish I’d kept in touch with my friends” was one of the top 5 regrets of the dying (Bronnie Ware)
