HAVE YOU NOTICED IT'S HOT???

You would think this is my first August ever, but my stars...it is hot! The level of surprise I have for the annual sweating extravaganza that is now is a little absurd. I am aware it is coming, just as I knew it would snow in Kansas. But when it hits, I am somehow always unprepared. I'm like a newborn--"What is this heat you speak of, grandpa?" Then it hits like a nuclear blast. I am Chris J Oppenheimer. "Now I become heat, the destroyer of worlds...and plastics...and gum...but mainly worlds. Those are the big ones." 😀😀😀

Here is some stuff I like and hope you like too...

AS ALWAYS, REPLY TO THIS EMAIL WITH YOUR THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS AND STUFF YOU WANT TO SEE! I FEEDBACK IS ALWAYS APPRECIATED!

MY SOLAR SUPERPOWER

Somewhere out there is a shadowy conspiracy operating the world under deep cover! It is "Big Air Co". It is run by Carrier Corporation and Trane. They are horrifically evil people--the ones you see littering on the side of highways and using aerosol hairsprays in an attempt raise the earth's core temperature by a degree and a half. They know the more global warming spikes, the more we will all be reliant on them. They are the Knights Templar of residential utilities. Their secret symbols really are just lousy logos which they leave in plain sight, but which unravel centuries of mysteries. Even Dan Brown is baffled, although he will probably write a mega-best-seller about Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon who dates impossibly young women while almost being murdered by mythical societies the world over and piecing together clues in a matter of minutes that have baffled the scientific and spiritual worlds for millennia. I'll read it!

Author's Side Note; In Da Vinci Code, Langdon ends up dating the direct descendent of Jesus via the Merovingian kings...but apparently they broke up??? How is that possible??? I assume the pressure to live up to being literally perfect would be a challenge, but still...you went to Harvard! Be better! 😀😀😀

HOW HEAT HAS ALTERED MY OTHERWISE GREAT LIFE

If it wasn't for the fear of being hot, there are any number of ways my life would have spiralled out differently. Here is a list of occupations I rejected because the temperature would have climbed too high...

HEATMISER

I would never have wanted to be Heatmiser. It was always 101 degrees where he was. That sounds horrible. Folks complain that California always has the same 72 and sunny... But 101??? That is a hard pass (and also a lousy highway!). By the way, Heatmiser is always portrayed as the villain, but SnowMiser was no better. Who wants snow??? Where is PleasantMiser in all of this??? Such a simple solution to a complex ecological problem.

CHRIS OF ARABIA

Hey Chris--we need you to go to the Arabian desert and organize the locals to fight the Turks... What's that?... The temperature in the desert?... On an average day, its about 110...Where are you going ol' Chap? Your queen and country need you. [AND SCENE] That is from my one-person play Reasons Why No One Wants To Be British In A War.

SOLAR PANEL SALESMAN IN 1979

My uncle had a solar powered residential development in the 80s in Kansas. Read all about it in my new book Huh??? I only know this because my brother and I (with occasional help from my sisters) would have to mow the lawns of the model units. This is where I hope robots take over. If I never mow another lawn in my life it will be too soon. I used to mow my brother's lawn in Kansas out of the goodness of my heart because I thought it was relaxing. Then I realized I was a moron.

PYRAMID BUILDER

This is an absolute hard pass for me. Lug heavy stones through the Egyptian desert while wearing a surprisingly unbreathable loincloth just so we can build a triangle of rocks??? Nope. I'm good. It didn't need to be a triangle btw... They would have maximized the utility of the place if they had just made squared...kinda like a Marriott. I look at the pyramids now and think...The Luxor in Vegas is better.

FIREMAN IN 1898

I suppose I wouldn't mind fighting fires as part of an old timey bucket brigade as long as it was late Fall or early Spring. Other than that, I'm out. It's not like the buildings were all that great anyways. I think they didn't have quite enough asbestos. And since the water back then was always contaminated, I guess the only solution is a frosty cold one and let's wait for better weather... 😀😀😀

MY SPOTIFY PLAYLIST OF THE WEEK...

CO2ISFUNNY | Songs About Being Hot, Hot, Hot...

You may have noticed its a touch balmy out there. But inside, I am smoldering (said literally no one to me ever!)... Here are some of the best songs about being hot...

Hot Thoughts | Spoon

Heat Waves | Glass Animals

I Melt With You | Modern English

Melt | Siouxsie & the Banshees

British People in Hot Weather | The Fall

Hot, Hot, Hot!!! | The Cure

Undone - The Sweater Song | Weezer

Work Song | Hozier

Devil's Backbone | The Civil Wars

Summer in the City | Regina Spektor

CLICK THE IMAGE FOR THE SPOTIFY PLAYLIST

THE SHOW I AM WATCHING

The power of incredible moviemaking. Michael Mann's tour-de-force crime drama is a monstrous display of acting and directing, which combines for a nearly perfect movie. The movie is most famous for the diner scene, which was the first time Al Pacino and Robert De Niro ever shared the screen together, and it absolutely lived up to the billing. The heist scene which features the best shootout ever recorded, is worth the viewing all on its lonesome.

Now that they are developing Heat 2, this is the perfect time to (re)watch this classic!

SUSAN WARE CLIP OF THE WEEK

Susan was not what one would call "an educator". Never good at book learning, she decided to teach the kids on the set of Skool? But There's A War On... some of the hard lessons of life. For 17 hours she regaled them with stories of milking cows at age 7, being a shoeshine boy in a train station in Padukah, marrying her cousin at 11 only to be raffled off at the County Fair to a pastor traveling through to Birmingham. When the kids started acting bored, she made the boys enlist in the service, and the girls were tricked into loveless marriages. Such was life in the good ol' days.

Anyways, check out Susan by clicking HERE.

I hope you enjoy these as well! Feel free to subscribe if you want. I will also include them here, but the posts that come from her site are hilarious and go out on Mondays and Thursdays!

SUSANWARECOMEDY.COM

HERE'S A RECIPE

I am a breakfast man. A connoisseur of A.M. delicacies. These are some of the finest.

Open Eggo box

Toast them

Many a memory has been created over the scent of Eggos burning in the toaster because I forgot all about them. There's the memory of my college girlfriend breaking up with me because I ate like a child; there's the memory of Jess lecturing me about not eating like a child; then the memory of my doctor saying he was disgusted that I still ate like a child. Each one is special in it's own way...

CLIP OF THE WEEK

Is this about being hot??? Not really. But it is a hot take!

CLICK THE IMAGE FOR THE VIDEO.

As always, you can check out my clips on the site (co2isfunny.com) or YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/@co2isfunny).

FORWARD TO A FRIEND, ETC

Please do me a favor and forward to a. friend. You get no prize other than my undying gratitude (and maybe a free ticket to a show when I am in your area if you let me know!).

I am very grateful to each and every one of you for your support and follows and likes, etc. You all are the best!

See you next week!

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