THE CONSPIRACY IS REAL...

First things first...readers will remember that last week we celebrated the life of my buddy Mike's Pops, who passed away earlier in the week. In addition to the sadness, it also left us down a subscriber. I am delighted to report that is no longer the case. Pop's wife of 60 years (and Mike's mom), Linda has graciously agreed to subscribe, so we are back to the status quo! For a second, it felt like we were a penny stock about to get delisted from the Nasdaq, but no longer! Linda, we welcome you and hope you enjoy the newsletter. I have a few more surprises for you coming up in a couple of weeks...

Now, many of you know I LOVE conspiracy theories. I am a fan of all of them--JFK, Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, Illuminati, etc etc etc--but my biggest problem is I am extremely susceptible to whatever I watch on TV. Basically, the side that I am always on is whichever side I fell asleep to while watching YouTube before bed. One day I know we faked the moon landing; the next night, I am toasting Buzz Aldrin and the boys on a job well done. THEY ARE ALL SO CONVINCING! I don't care if the footage is doctored. It just all looks so real. And isn't it just more fun to think that the aliens built the pyramids???

Here is some stuff I like and hope you like too...

AS ALWAYS, REPLY TO THIS EMAIL WITH YOUR THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS AND STUFF YOU WANT TO SEE! I FEEDBACK IS ALWAYS APPRECIATED!

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE DA VINCI CODE...

Has there ever been a more complicated book to read??? I know every book critic and scholar and smart person and reader of books on the planet would disagree with that statement, but I must say-- I was baffled! Here's how hard the book was to read--I didn't even understand it after watching the movie!!! First of all, I could not figure out how Tom Hanks knew all of this stuff about paintings. I remembered him from Bosom Buddies, and he honestly did not seem all that bright.

Then to cap it all off, he said the secret to the world was that Jesus and Mary Madgelene had a kid, and that that kid is now the French actress from Amelie! That blew my mind! I honestly would have thought with her divine powers, her box office totals would be just a bit higher... but what do I know? Next time I go to the Louvre, I will start leaving clues on all of the famous paintings in invisible ink for you to decipher, and I will do it all while bleeding profusely from a gunshot wound from a killer with terrible aim. Instead of just leaving a note that said "Hey, it was the albino monk that murdered me" (which I believe would have been too easy of a crime to solve), I will hastily organize an international mystery in the four minutes before my very painful demise...so you all have that scavenger hunt to look forward to! I will keep you posted!

SOME OF MY FAVORITE WILD CONSPIRACIES

Let's get into the weeds! Here is what keeps me up late at night prepping for the demise of the world...

Stephen King Murdered John Lennon

Some things are just, "duh". I don't even think this one needs to be proved. It is clear as day. If you have ever had to sit through the song Imagine then you already know the motive. I always imagined there was no John Lennon, which saved the world hours of elevator music. But then I remembered that Ringo would still exist, so I let it all go. Apparently Stephen King felt the same way.

VERDICT: FACT

The Frozen Head of Walt Disney

I lived in Orlando for a short period of time, and here is some advice I would pass on to the kids out there...don't move to Orlando! .It is one of those weird towns that is not really a town--just a ton of small burbs strung together by Disney money with no civic planning. Somewhere under Epcot, Walt and Ted Williams' frozen melons are kept alive, waiting for the inevitable day when the power goes out, they are unthawed, and put on each other's bodies. Now that would be a Freaky Friday!

VERDICT: FACT

Denver International is the Illuminati HQ

If you have ever seen John Elway, then you know this is true. He is a suspicious character. I don't know much about the Illuminati or their purpose, other than they have lots of really cool symbols and seem to constantly want to be discovered because they leave clues everywhere! You can get an Illuminati clue with a Burger King kids' meal. Why would the Illuminati want to be cold all the time??? Move to Orlando.

VERDICT: FACT

There Are No Real Birds Left in the World

This is an overreaction to Tippi Hedren's constant complaining about the movie. ...😀😀😀 Between 1959 and 2001, the US exterminated all birds and replaced them with feathered drones. That's why they sit on the power lines. And bird poop is really a liquid tracking device. All of this makes so much sense to me. If you have ever seen a parrot at the local Petco, you can tell they have fascist intent and hate in their wings.

VERDICT: FACT

Amelia Aerhart was Eaten By Crabs

There is such an obvious joke that deserves to just be left alone. This is a family newsletter, darn it! I will just say that I always thought she was murdered by Katherine Hepburn in a fit of rage stemming from a night of passion with Howard Hughes before he kept his nail clippings in a jar in a Vegas hotel room. Or maybe I am misremembering The Aviator???

VERDICT: FACT

MY SPOTIFY PLAYLIST OF THE WEEK...

CO2ISFUNNY | Songs About Visitors From Other Worlds Making Us Smarter...

Imagine being a traveler through the galaxies, finally landing on Earth, and all you can tune in to is am radio??? Another Eagles song??? No thank you. Let's welcome our space age visitors a bit more warmly than that! They did show us how to build large triangles in the desert after all...

Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft | The Carpenters

Starman | David Bowie

Planet Claire | B-52s

Motorway to Roswell | The Pixies

Mr. Spaceman | The Byrds

Zero Zero UFO | The Ramones

Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois | Sufjan Stevens

Area 52 | Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, Pt. 1 | Flaming Lips

After the Goldrush | Neil Young, Peter Knight, The King's Singers

CLICK THE IMAGE FOR THE SPOTIFY PLAYLIST

THE SHOW I AM WATCHING

Possibly one of the worst pieces of American history ever filmed, and yet it is such a strangely good movie that you just don't care. The cast is awesome-- Kevin Costner costners his way through this movie...a bit dopey, a horrific Southern accident, but he looks good in horn-rimmed glasses, and I think he was equally as bright as New Orleans DA Jim Garrison. John Candy, Donald Sutherland, Joe Pesci, Tommy Lee Jones, Jack Lemmon...and that's just the start.

People always want to debate the conspiracy. About the only thing this movie got right was the spelling of JFK. Other than that, it is a wild concoction of every half-baked theory that has ever plagued this country. On the plus side, though, it forced the release of the rest of the files on the assassination, and proved once and for all that the Kennedys murdered Marilyn Monroe. 😄😄😄

SUSAN WARE CLIP OF THE WEEK

Susan was a marvelous dancer...or were those seizures? I was never sure which. I recall like yesterday the night we went with F. Scott Fitzgerald and Mary Pickford to Jay Gatsby's summer home for a real shindig. Gatsby asked me if I could help him fix the World Series for the Cubs. I said sure-- just have them play the Royals. The Cubs are guaranteed to win. Then we started dancing the jitterbug. It was a real kneeslapper until Susan remembered her first love back in Crap Creek, KY was her cousin Jitterbug who perished in a horrific prank whereby we bet him he could withstand a kick in the head from the old donkey Petticoat Junction. He could not. The memory made Susan apoplectic, so I had her committed against her will with Rose Kennedy so she would shush up. They asked me how I knew she was crazy. I said, "Well, she's a woman ain't she?" And with that, they locked her up. Things were just easier in the 20's...

Anyways, check out Susan by clicking HERE.

I hope you enjoy these as well! Feel free to subscribe if you want. I will also include them here, but the posts that come from her site are hilarious and go out on Mondays and Thursdays!

SUSANWARECOMEDY.COM

HERE'S A RECIPE

Who knew I was one of America's greatest chefs? Back by popular demand is another treasured family recipe... this is how I make my signature pasta.

Open can of Spaghettios

Pour in bowl

Heat in microwave for 2 minutes

I like to keep the recipes very similar week after week to avoid confusion. I also LOVE the way the gave Spaghettios all of the dignity they deserve with a professional photo shoot with parsley to boot! Betcha some dopey college kid tried to smoke that when the shoot was done...😄😄😄

CLIP OF THE WEEK

The view from the book depository...

CLICK THE IMAGE FOR THE VIDEO.

As always, you can check out my clips on the site (co2isfunny.com) or YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/@co2isfunny).

FORWARD TO A FRIEND, ETC

Please do me a favor and forward to a. friend. You get no prize other than my undying gratitude (and maybe a free ticket to a show when I am in your area if you let me know!).

I am very grateful to each and every one of you for your support and follows and likes, etc. You all are the best!

See you next week!

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