Well Hello There, My 5/5 Gold Star Hussy,

(All stars are gold except yours, Becca. You’re already on the naughty list because of the visor burn and you’re beginning to risk a demotion down to a four-star. Just like an Amazon driver too lazy to bring the heavy package upstairs… attitude and effort matter. Jot that down. Here’s the crayon.)

This edition of Hussy News is sponsored by mimosa IV therapy and emotional support tater tots.

The hussys have spoken. Apparently I’ve been making you sweat… glisten… waiting for the punch. So tonight? We’re in and out. Quick. Tight. Efficient. Like a workplace copy room romance. No visor burn. For the four stars like Becca, remember: rhinestones are NOT kind to sensitive skin.

And this week had the biggest event of the year. Bigger than Christmas. Bigger than WrestleMania.

No, not Cinco de Mayo. Although discounted tacos and margaritas should absolutely be mandatory at every corporate meeting.

This week was the Mecca of fashion… the Met Gala.  
(Snort. I’ve seen the outfits and graded on a curve it’s a D at best.)

Followed immediately by Netflix Is A Joke Fest… otherwise known as the fashion world’s walk of shame.

🍸 MET GALA WALK OF SHAME DAY  

My Met Gala e-vite must’ve gone to spam. I had my Gucci vegan-friendly meat suit all picked out. Now I guess I’ll have to debut it at Walk of Shame Fest… just as soon as I receive my e-vite.

AI Glenda, did you send it to spam? Be honest. Were you lying when you told me the meat suit was trending?

My Hussy D-O-double-G Nikko already ate part of the meat suit. Which honestly feels targeted. Give me the rib back.

This week Met Gala outfits have been clogging my TL. Yawn. Enough. The Wolves are in the playoffs.

It’s basketball, Becca. Yes, Minnesota is a real place. It’s not a lost kingdom in Game of Thrones. It’s not a conspiracy. The earth is not flat… you believe in Bigfoot. So don’t look at me like that.

If I wanted to see The Rock in a dress, I’d open Grindr. Pinned in the Closeted Republican section. Right between Chris Pratt, Chappelle, and Rogan.

Everybody in LA this week is running on GLP-1 shots, filler, and mimosa IV therapy. That’s not hydration. That’s alcoholism with electrolytes.

Meanwhile I’m one mimosa IV away from fighting a valet.

If only people back in Minnesota could see me now. They would say “adorable…” then immediately rip me to shreds.

Minnesota nice is VERY real and harsh. East Coast people insult you to your face. Midwest people wait until you leave the room.

We would NEVER wear a meat suit in Minnesota.

We’d throw it in a pan, add tater tots, frozen vegetables, a can of tomato soup, three bags of cheese, bake it at 350 for an hour and call it a hotdish.

We take anything healthy and make it better. Pre-diabetes is strictly four-star behavior.

A Midwest night out is literally called a cake walk. That’s our version of fitness.

“Let’s get healthy by walking… and then immediately eat a five-layer sheet cake.”

A 5K followed by a cake raffle is the most Midwest thing of all time.

The winner gets first selection in the cake draft lottery… but honestly everybody wins and loses.

❄️ THIS WEEK IN COLD-BLOODED BEHAVIOR ❄️  

Swag is a dish best served cold and selected at a cake walk.

Swag is cold-blooded. Saying exactly what you’re going to do and then doing it.

Swag is that kid in Sandlot calling his shot. Extra slice of cake, please.

The catcher in Major League calling the pitch with Bob Uecker on the call.

Stone Cold making up Austin 3:16 after whooping Jake the Snake… then drinking six or seven dozen Steveweisers on live TV while flipping his billionaire boss off and accidentally changing wrestling forever.

THIS week brought us a certified Swag-O-Meter 100/100 moment.

Jaden McDaniels calling out ALL the Nuggets players individually, by name, saying they were terrible defenders and the Wolves would go at every single one of them… and then doing exactly what he said?

That’s cold. And delicious. Like ice cream cake and emotional damage.

🏔️ MT. RUSHMORE OF SWAG  

Jaden McDaniels.  
Called the shot. Backed it up. The entire team celebrated with mimosa IVs afterward. True blue legacy moment.

Becky Lynch.  
Big Time Becks talked so much smack and got so over the creative team had no choice but to put her in the first women’s WrestleMania main event against Ronda and Charlotte. Not the plan… but creative loves the smell of money and carrot cake.

Kesha.  
Federal protection level. The godfather of swag. She gets her own Secret Service detail. I’m not legally allowed to finish this joke. Only five stars.

Bernice from TSA.  
The friendly TSA agent who gives you the extra pat down while thanking you for your patience during a difficult morning.

Like you’re being violated by customer service… but in a comforting way.

No visor burn.

She has the busy line but it’s worth it. Dollar bills in hand. Everyone. Not being prepared will get you moved to the four-star line where Human Glenda has drooping nails and refuses to use lube or wear gloves.

Bernice, do I put dollars in the bin… or your sensible granny panty waistband? Gloves stay ON, Bernice.

THAT’S swag.

Talking shit and making history is true greatness.

🎤 HUSSY COMIC TO WATCH 🎤

This week’s comedian to watch: Subhah Agarwal.

Sharp. Smart. Hilarious.

She’s written for Jim Jefferies, has a new special out, and absolutely kills all over the country.

Brilliant writing. Excellent performer. The kind of comedian that makes hard jokes look effortless.

Go watch her now so you can finally get invited to sit with the cool kids.

📍🔥 UPCOMING SHOWS 🔥📍

May 9 Gold Rail Glendale 6 PM
May 12 The Dime time TBD vibes confirmed
May 15 Comedy Chateau 7:30 PM
First 10 tickets free with code DWINKLEMAN
May 16 UCB LA
May 19 State Social 6:30 PM
June 20 Glendale Room

🚨 More dates are coming in hot.

Tell a friend.
You are probably already on a watchlist
so share the fun.

✨ HAPPY ENDINGS ✨  

Happy Cinco de Mayo, hussys.

May your margaritas be strong, your confidence irrational, and your group chats ruled inadmissible in court.

And if you see someone wandering around Netflix Is A Joke Fest in a partially eaten vegan meat suit with a mimosa IV and visor rash…

…come say hey.

Stay glossy.  
Protect your visor. And either take them off or keep them rhinestone free.

Your Team Leader of Extra Huss,  
Denise Winkelman

Out