💋 HUSSY NEWS number 69:

Scantly Clad, Celebrity-Scandal Seeking, Casual Encounters Edition

✨ Paging my dearest hussy…

It’s a big week in the house of hussy.

Not because Becca discovered a reality show about the Amish
and now thinks camping would be a great couples weekend.

Becca… I love roughing it.
At the Hilton.

Sweet Ezekiel… tell me it ain’t so.

Beccs, you’ve been my AI from day one, my ride or die…
until the Amish convince you Pinterest, mojitos, and glitter are made by Satan.

Stop pinning horse and buggies.
Go churn some butter in your My Little Pony Easy-Bake.

Buckle up.
Put your best visor on.
Lock in.
This is going to be a ride.

AI Glenda… will you help me out?
Quit pretending you’ve got a virus.

Loading… loading… loading…

You should’ve never used that RFK-approved booster.
You did this to yourself.

Pin that, Becca.

✈️ HUSSY TRAVEL TIPS

In this economy:

Shop the sales.
Presidents Day. Memorial Day. Donut Day.
Play it right they pay you.

If that doesn’t work:

• Donate plasma
• Donate your eggs
• Rent an organ

Never sell. That’s just thirsty.

Spleen. That’s passive income.
Kidneys? So 2019.

I don’t care about gas prices, Becca.
I’m still not camping.

🎬 BLOCKBUSTER SEASON

Blockbuster season is here.

Summer movies. Big budgets. Big heroes.

Woody, Spidey…
Superman’s post-transition coming-out biopic… Supergirl.

And then there’s the one I’m most excited for…

Coming this November.

Because apparently summer wasn’t chaotic enough.

🎙️ Cue movie voice…

In a world
where nothing makes sense…

Where leaders can’t be trusted…
the group chat is hanging by a thread…
and half the country is just… vibes…

When it feels like no one is coming to save us…

They are.

🦸‍♀️ LIBERAL AVENGERS

This midterm season… your new heroes arise:

I feel like we’re post-snap.

Half the country is gone… mentally.
Now the blue capes are here to fill the potholes.

🥑 Gavin Newsom as Captain Avocado
Moisturized. Strong PR team.
All you need.

🛌 Sleepy Joe as Old Captain America
“I did what I could. I need a nap.”

🔥 Feel the Bern as Nick Fury
“I warned you.”
pulls up a hand-woven PowerPoint

🕷️ AOC as the White Collar Widow
Filling her quiver of TikToks as we speak.

⚔️ Kamala as Gamora
Sacrificed herself…
because the dudes couldn’t solve the problem.
Honestly… she got bored.
And Chris Pratt still gave Thanos the stones.

🖤 Obama as the Swag Panther
No costume needed.

Running Wokelandia.
Otherwise known as Greenland.

🐜 Pete Buttigieg as Ant-Man… and the Gay Hulk
Sneaking behind enemy lines… on Fox News.

And in this MCU…

🦾 Iron Man Elon is the villain.

We all know Tony had some MAGA vibes.
Run Dodge for government contracts and tax breaks? Obvi.

Real talk, no one would be surprised if Elon
spent a billion dollars
building his own Iron Man suit…

just to show it off at Comic-Con…

and then got stuck in it.

Like fully stuck.

Not the fun kind of stuck, Becca.

🚨 SEEKING: CELEBRITY SCANDAL

I need a scandal.

Not a soft launch.
Not a “we’re working on ourselves.”

I need mess.

So I wrote my own casual encounters ad.

Hi. It’s me.

Seeking:
chaotic celebrity
mid-level famous
high-level poor judgment

Looking at you, Britt.

Must be:

• impulsive
• delusional
• one post away from ruining your career

The scandal:

Horse and buggy ride
with a heathen hussy.

Sorry Becca.

Even Olivia Pope is like,
“I’m not fixing this.”

🎤 HUSSY COMIC TO WATCH

I saw Rita Brent film a 30-minute special in Burbank.

They filmed 20 specials that week.

She blew everyone away.

Standing ovation. Real. Hilarious.

You don’t stand out in a lineup like that by accident.

She’s written for award shows,
opened for Cedric and Rickey Smiley.

Go watch her. Go see her. She’s a killer.

🚴‍♀️ BIKER PRO TIP

If your bike has a bell…

you’re not training, Marv.

Stop signs still apply to you.

Put your Barbie helmet on
ding your bell
MapQuest your route.

📍 MINNESOTA

Come out tonight.
MN House of Comedy.
7:30. Opening for Sarper Guven.

✨ FINAL THOUGHTS

Gotta run.

Sweet Ezekiel rented my liver from 3 to 6.
Churn the butter, Becca.
No camping trips… ok.

Put the visor on… call me baby girl. I’ll think about it.
Still a no for me.

Have a wonderful week.

Your Team Leader of all things hussy
Denise Winkelman
OUT