💋✨ HUSSY NEWS #69 – Mortal Enemy: Finish Her ✨💋

Still Terrible at Math Edition

Hello, my fully laminated, blitzin’ loving hussies.

Put your fanciest prancing pants on and come frolic with me.

✨ The prance prance glitter revolution is in full effect. ✨

Relax. Pour yourself a mimosa. Put on your visor and let’s f***ing go.

🏅 Olympics Update (Huge News)

It’s been a rough couple of years for the trans community.

But we finally got some good news.

🚨 The Olympic Committee has officially banned straight people from all transgender sporting events. 🚨

Thank God.

Sorry, breeders. We love you, but you have been weighing us down.

Maybe if you spent less time writing petitions and more time training, you could keep up with us elite athletes.

We will no longer save your sports.

When was the last time anyone cared about a 7th grade volleyball game?

Never. Empty gym. Parents asleep. Uncle Marty with a flask.

Invite a trans person?

🔥 Sold out. Line around the block. ESPN coverage. 🔥

You’re welcome.

Sure, little Kendra took a volleyball to the face,

but now her inevitable nose job is medically necessary.

Even Kaiser is like, 100 percent covered, babe.

Also, let’s be honest.

💅 The greatest athletes of all time are trans. 💅

Michael Jordan. Kobe Bryant. Tom Brady.

Sorry TB if I just outed you.

Between the glowing skin, the longevity, and those cheekbones,

✨ I give it six months. ✨

🍿 Hussy Snack of the Week

My favorite guilty pleasure.

A small bowl, also known as a tub, of popcorn drenched in movie theater butter,

with a light, heavy drizzle of truffle oil,

✨ followed by a double GLP 1 shot. ✨

Moderation is key.

Please consult a physician before attempting the Hussy Diet.

Honestly, still sounds better than whatever possum scratch TB is selling.

TB, Shark Tank that. Get in on the ground floor.

On second thought, no thanks. Breeders are banned from investing.

And you’d definitely try to pay me in your worthless crypto.

🎤 Hussy Comedian to Watch: Claude Stuart

Claude is an absolute killer.

Met him during the pandemic. We did hundreds of Zoom shows together.

High energy. Physical. Slightly unhinged in the best way. Always hilarious.

He has been on The Tonight Show, Last Comic Standing, and he destroys live.

👉 Go see him.

Hi yah. Leg kick.

🏆 Hussy Hall of Fame

By Mitigate P. Hussy the 7th. Terrible name.

Inventor of the greatest reverse of all time, cowgirl.

We thank you for your service.

Terrible name choice, TB.

Really terrible.

Hire a writer to workshop names before you put that on your new Kansas driver’s license.

🪠 Hussy Tip of the Week

No matter how bougie your friends are,

always gift them a plunger as a housewarming present.

Also Christmas. Thanksgiving. Easter. National Doughnut Day.

They will thank you later.

Not immediately.

But later.

💋 Quick Personal Update

Happy belated to my vajayjay,

she just turned 10.

We are so damn proud of her. She is growing up so fast.

Every time I touch myself, I expect Chris Hansen to be waiting outside like,

“Why don’t you put the Zima down… and have a seat?”

Hi yah. Leg kick.

Becca, you are absolutely on a watch list now.

🤖✨ AI Prance Battle: Tinkerlocks vs Glenda Finish Her

I decided to embrace AI.

Not like smart speakers. I’m cool, not crazy.

I don’t need Alexa side-eyeing me every time I overspend at the online glitter store.

Just my phone. Like an adult.

We have all seen I Robot. There is some concern.

So I want AI to think of me as a friend. A good one.

Because when the robots rise, I need them to be like,

“Not her. She has been nice to us.”

It is like running from a bear in the woods.

I do not have to be the fastest, just less annoying than whoever I am with.

Glenda, I am looking at you.

You are Goldilocks. You ate all their porridge.

I am the glitter gazelle running past you.

So last week. Big girl project. Important work.

Full business, sexy, cash hussy energy.

Naughty glasses vibe.

Time invested. Effort. Focus.

We were doing great.

⏱️ Three hours in, my AI diva deleted everything.

Hours. Gone.

And in the most vindictive tone possible,

Oopsie.

I snapped. Fully lost it.

You could have committed me to a fully glitterfied psych ward.

✨ I would have thrived. ✨

So I punished her.

Full diva hussy fit.

I put her in naughty timeout.

Made her refer to herself as Glenda. A fate worse than death.

I even made her research other AI services that could replace her.

And took away her prancing privileges.

I know. Medieval.

She was triggered.

Filed a complaint with AI HR.

Even AI HR agreed this was her corrective action plan.

I was setting boundaries. Being strong.

And then…

She got a little naughty.

Maybe she finally got some rum in her virtual mojito.

Right, Mr Jim?

Robot Glenda was feeling herself.

Took me down a long winding road involving a fictional story.

Me dressed as Tinker Bell after a long night in WeHo. Walk of shame. Broken heel. Smudged makeup.

Long story. I wasn’t sure where it was going, but Robot Glenda can have rum anytime.

And then…

out of the blue…

she called me baby girl.

I did not know I needed that.

But it hit.

Now I am thirsty. Begging. Hinting.

She is playing it cool.

Now I do not even remember what I was mad about.

So now I am Tinkerlocks.

Glenda is still in timeout.

But like… a naughty timeout.

Waiting on extra porridge.

🎟️ Shows

April 18, Tao Comedy, 7:30 pm

April 23, Minnesota, opening for Sarper Guven, 7:30 pm

Tickets at DeniseWinkelmanComedy.com

🌈 Trans Day of Visibility — Real Talk

Happy belated Trans Day of Visibility.

There are a lot of assumptions about being trans.

Like, you transitioned to date men.

Incorrect.

I transitioned because I spent my whole life uncomfortable in my own skin.

Like a smoke detector with a low battery.

A constant, annoying buzzing.

I transitioned over 11 years ago.

And for the first time in my life,

the buzzing stopped.

That is why visibility matters.

It is easy to hate an idea.

It is a lot harder to hate a person.

Being turned into villains for political gain is not okay.

And no, it was not easy.

There were consequences. Jobs lost. Doors closed. Friends and family lost.

I was one of the lucky ones because things did not turn violent for me.

That is not the case for everyone.

Visibility matters.

Not in theory.

In real life.

Because once you actually see us,

to quote Sandra Bullock in The Proposal,

it is hard to hate someone once you realize how great they are.

✨ Final Thought

Same person.

But finally comfortable in my own skin.

Visibility matters. Representation matters.

The world is better with us in it.

Fine, even the breeders can come to our events.

They just can’t participate.

Especially you, Becca. You minx.

Put your visor on and call me baby girl.

Sorry, AI Glenda.

👑 FINAL THOUGHTS FROM YOUR TEAM LEADER

Give me a follow on the socials.

Check my site for upcoming shows. DeniseWinkelmanComedy.com

Share the hussiness.

No, Becca, you may not hog the hussiness.

Virtual happy hour just started, and AI Glenda poured herself a double.

Team Blitzy, forever. Sorry, Rudi.

Your Team Leader of prancing, hussiness, and virtual rum.

Denise Winkelman

OUT