💅 HUSSY NEWS #69
Still Terrible at Math Edition

Hello, dear Hussy,

Put your snazziest prancing pants on and come frolic with me.

Now I know some of you are mildly concerned and aggressively amused by the hostile takeover of glitter in my wardrobe.

The shimmer. The shine. The full blown rhinestone insurgency.

I didn’t choose the rhinestone insurgency. The rhinestone insurgency chose me.

Relax, Twila.

I have not been possessed by a fabulous, fashionable glitter demon.

And even if I was, would you ask Jennifer Aniston from the hussy award winning masterpiece Office Space to wear less flair?

Would Christopher Walken demand less cowbell?

The answer is nay.

Or if you are Canadian, nay ehhh. I am sooooory.

Cancel your reports to the Fashion Police. They have not issued a single lamented ticket since Joan Rivers passed in 1902.

Gone too soon. Rest in sparkles.

Was I abducted. Maybe.

Was I replaced. Unclear.

Am I now operating at a higher, more sparkly frequency. Absolutely.

If a slightly more confident, glitter forward version of me shows up and starts making bold choices, it’s fine, Glenda.

You will always be my mortal enemy.

It’s not my fault I think green, melted women are sexy.

You know what they say. Once you go green, embrace the lean. Don’t question it.

Apologies to Kermit for his omission from the greatest greens of all time last week.

Kermy, can you play a wicked witch not named Glenda. I need versatility.

👉 Grab your Tab Zero. Strap on your snazziest Bud Light Lime visor, Becca.

👉 Buckle the fuck up, buttercup. We’re doing this.

💄 HUSSY DEFINITION

Some may wonder what is a hussy. Why do you call yourself a hussy and what sort of cult did I join.

Is it a fun, naughty cult where we get to do sexy things together.

Calm down, Becca. Maybe. Put the visor back on. You’re thinking too much again.

Official definition:

Immoral or brazen woman. A common modern use refers to a woman perceived as promiscuous or mischievous, ill behaved woman.

Similar to a minx. (Becca.)

Also known as a trollop. (Glenda.)

Why Denise.

Why do you embrace hussiness.

Well dear hussy, I was raised in a small town

where the elderly church ladies had golden tongues of gossip

and the emotional range of a folding chair.

Lots of sighs and sickening eyes.

They would gossip about heathens who owned a deck of cards.

A deck of cards.

Gladys, you survived Prohibition, and your shame of gaining the right to vote.

You will survive a deck of cards and Denise’s hussiness.

We are not burning witches anymore or flogging anyone, unless they sign an NDA first.

Remember that, Becca.

We are just wearing glitter pants and thriving.

👉 Stick it to Gladys. Go gold star official:

https://denisewinkelmancomedy.com/shop

🏛 TODAY IN HUSSY HISTORY

The names and dates have been made up to protect the not so innocent.

Today we honor one of the greatest hussies to ever do it.

Willian Hussy Clinton.

The confidence.

The swag.

The riz to turn the White House into a cigar lounge.

Where’s my cigar, Chief.

🎤 TEAM HUSSY COMEDIAN OF THE WEEK

Let’s talk about a founding father of nonsense.

James Vanderbilt Pardo the 19th

Also known as: Jimmy Pardo.

I first learned of this strapping young buck before Maury was doing paternity tests, on a magical device called the radio, on a show called Bob and Tom, while I was living abroad in a small seaside mountain town in the French Alps…

called Cincinnati.

In a majestic province called Ohio.

Fun fact. Cincinnati is the world’s leading producer of chili spaghetti and jakar cologne.

You may ask if I am just shouting out former podcasts I have appeared on trying to get rebooked.

To you I say, nay sir.

Not the case.

And shhh, do not ruin it, Glenda.

Although… I would love to be rebooked.

Jimmy and his staff are a delight. I walked in completely underprepared and somehow still had a great time.

Earned my first Reddit thread and, out of deep respect for my own mental health, I refuse to read it.

👉 Catch Never Not Funny.

Fantastic.

👖 STRETCH PANTS AND STRETCH GOALS

Not the book. The movie. Way better.

Enola Holmes — fun, heart, strong lead

Not the book. Just movies. Way better.

Bonus TV pick. Heavy vouch.

Warrior — gritty, action, very satisfying

Anything Wild West with movie level action belongs in my life.

Give yourself a little hussy hi yah.

🌀 CHAOTIC LIFE HACKS

Unlike Amazon, I try to deliver things once.

Not six separate packages for one emotional purchase.

And if there is one microscopic scratch, we will not send an entire replacement.

Don’t worry about returning it.

My money is tied up in prancing pants, but even Britney Spears and I agree that system is inefficient.

Also…

It is odd to me we have to take a class to learn how to improvise.

Prancing 101 is a necessity. Book it for the next 69 years.

There are way too many prancing accidents. Just ask Blitzen.

Glenda, you’ve been removed from the list.

💃 HUSSY FORMATION

I am Shredder. You are the Hussy Clan.

I am Marky Mark. You are the Hussy Bunch.

I am Josie. You are the HussyCats.

I am Ginger, and you are a lovable bunch of spicy hussies.

Stay in formation. Visor on. And a 5, 6, 7, 8.

If you wanna be my hussy you gotta get with my friends

Make it last forever, hussiness never ends

🎟 LIVE SHOWS AND HUSSY MEETUPS

For those asking for a gathering of all hussies

They are called my shows, Becca.

Buy a ticket and check it out. Visors are welcome.

Upcoming shows:

✨ 4/18 — Tao Comedy, 7:30 PM

✨ 4/23 — Minneapolis, opening for Sarper Guven

More being added daily

Shoutout to Sarper. Saw his full show at a sold out Ice House. He was awesome. Great presence and pacing. Really impressed.

Minneapolis, you’re going to want to catch this.

Catch this. Damn. Smoke!!!

Can’t wait to work with him again.

👑 FINAL THOUGHTS FROM YOUR TEAM LEADER

Give me a follow on the socials.

Tell a friend about our sexy cult… er, group.

Share the darn hussiness, Becca.

You cannot hoard me to yourself.

Don’t be a hussy hog.

I am a community resource.

Tip of the visor to you, you sexy minx.

Glenda, you turnipy trollop, like Farva in Super Troopers, your suspension continues.

Your Team Leader,

Denise Winkelman of comedy

OUT