Welcome to Hussy News™
THE NEWS THAT MATTERS

Well hello there, my five-point, tax-deductible, emotionally validated Gold Star Hussy.
And way more fun than the real stuff.

Paul Harvey once said the most reliable source of news is this newsletter.

DON’T FACT CHECK THAT.

I could list RESPECTED JOURNALISTS who get their news from Hussy News™.

I won’t say their names…

But their initials are:

R. Quivers
J. Stewart
B. Bunny….

BUGS — Not BADD….

I said journalists…..

YES…. JOURNALISTS.

And of course…

THE BIGGEST HUSSY OF THEM ALL:

Les Nessman.

PRESIDENTIAL ANNOUNCEMENTS

Happy Presidents’ Day to me and Kesha.

In this alternate reality:

• I AM THE PRESIDENT
• Kesha is like Luke Wilson in Old School…
• She is THE GODFATHER
• She must be referred to as such

(Her portrait is being commissioned as we speak.)

Election results are FINAL….
No lawsuits will be accepted…

Looking at you, Glenda.

The Godfather and I remain deeply committed to:

Chaos
Fun
Pink
Tassels
Pink hats
Huge, life-altering decisions made entirely on vibes

HUSSY LIFE HACKS

SPOILER ALERT*

The pancakes were a tease.

THERE WILL NOT BE A PAYOFF.

…Unless I decide to order pancakes.

Chocolate chip.
Butter.
Syrup.
Whipped cream. Extra WHIP, of course.

…and sculpted in the shape of a beautiful set of SLABS.

Not Nicki’s. She has lost that privilege.

Yes….Booty pancakes.

Delicious… if you’re into that sort of thing… or Have a Pulse.

Let me finish this mimosa and see what happens.

This is a time of reflection and healing…

Sorry….

Lost my train of thought. Thinking of pancakes.

—-SHOUT Outs—/

Tip of the cap to:

Disney adults and rodeo clowns.

Both thrive under pressure.
Both excel at accessorizing.

Clown makeup and mouse ears are IN this year.

Pro Tip:
If your parents are religious and suggest a religious theme park…

Be like the D.A.R.E. kids and just…

SAY NO ❤️

I learned that LESSON the hard way.

No character breakfast, but we did see a real-life crucifixion.

IT WAS FLORIDA.

Fun fact.

It was Florida is also the title of my Vagina’s autobiography. A series of hard life lessons from the week it spent down South…..if You know what I Mean.

EVERYTHING’S FINE.

Nothing to unpack.

My therapist is well on her way to make enough money to buy her kids Tesla jet packs and tickets to Disney.

HUSSY HACKS – TRICKS TO MAKE LIFE BETTER

Say NO.

Not to fun.

To: Everything else. 

Especially:

Time vampires
Anyone who says “quick question”
And Anyone named Ted

Channeling my inner Peter from Office Space and Bob Odenkirk in Nobody…

Random freebie — find a cheat code.

Like Contra:

Up, down, up, down.
A, B, A, B.

Smooth.
Effortless.
Booty pancake energy.

I say no unless it:

Matters
Pays me in mimosa drink tickets
Involves glitter and special pancakes

You can wait in line…

OR…

Become the one they wait in line for.

There is simply too much shopping to stand around like an AMATEUR.

PRO HUSSY TIP

Yoga pants.

Inside out?
Backwards?

NO ONE KNOWS.
NO ONE CARES.

If they are…

Cute.

NEWS THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS

The Trans Winter Olympics are coming to you live from Gilligan’s Island.

We kept it secret to keep the lesser-tier athletes out.

Also…

NO WINTER EVENTS.

We work too hard to hide under bulky equipment.

LITTLE KNOWN FACT

I was a former Mousketeer.

Yeah, Didn’t make TV.

It was me, Brittany, JT, hanging out with tons of glitter, coffee, and pancakes. (Are we sick of the bit? Too Bad).

BTW….Brittany and JT were Total virgins at the time…

Unless you count having lots of sex.

Happy “Godfather”Day.

Enjoy the mimosas…and ……the PANCAKES. Try the Veal, tip the staff, I’ll be her all week.

Denise Winkelman

The Greatest HUSSY of ALL Time…(except for Kesha…and Brittany …and JT ….and every single Rodeo clown that has ever walked this earth).