I’d handle these episodes by consciously thinking of something else - a client's beautiful progress, my dog’s cuteness, my partner’s kindness, a flower’s beauty. Though soothing in the moment and higher than lashing out or plotting revenge, my method was a mere holding pattern and not an exit from the cycle of reminders and resentment.
I've forgiven many people - from a rapist to cruel bullies to committed narcissists I was too naive at the time to spot.
I've forgiven myself some, too.
I know from experience that forgiving is a process that can’t be forced. I know that this last big resentment hurts only me (and perhaps annoys people around me who graciously bear witness to my processing). But I recently began to wonder why I've been managing the pain of this particular wrong rather than doing the intentional work of forgiving. Looking at myself with brutal honesty, I think it’s because I haven’t really wanted to. Because it’s hard.
Forgiving fully means fully accepting that what’s resulted from the betrayal is entirely my responsibility.
It means I garner the courage to make the difficult changes required to get unstuck. It means persevering over that part of me still sorely tempted to stew... and blame someone else for my circumstances. Somewhat annoyingly - it means deciding to allow forgiveness to happen - and meaning it.
So now when I feel resentment’s icy fingers clutch my heart, I push through my anxiety and pray for the wellbeing of my betrayer. Every morning I light a candle for him and find time to sing (or at least play) the Ho'oponopono Hawaiian forgiveness mantra. For a moment, I consciously surrender to higher power and envision an outcome of peace. But Ugh. This is really hard.
I keep going only because I refuse to poison myself any longer; I've fully committed to freedom from this
anger-and-resentment-loop.
The only way to reclaim the precious time and creative energy resentment steals is to forgive. While the rewards are great, I can’t think of a spiritual practice more difficult.
