He went on, "It’s not good. I love my family but I'm unhappy. What can I do?"
For most people, being heard feels the same as being loved. Being heard in an affirming way is a fundamental human need, yet we rarely - if ever - deeply listen.
Think you're a good listener? Research shows most of us believe we’re great - but we actually on average process only 30% of what someone says! In a context of tension or fighting - the amount processed can go down to near zero. (I’ve had fights with George where he swears I said something that I swear I didn’t. Case in point: we barely even hear ourselves if we’re fighting).
There can be HUGE consequences if you don't properly listen to those you love.
Unheard people act out with all kinds of unskilled responses like cheating, avoiding intimacy, picking fights, drinking, gambling, etc. For kids add truancy, self harm and poor school performance. Not feeling heard is a big cause of depression and divorce, and the related stress can lead to chronic physical health problems such as high blood pressure and diabetes.
Why are we so horrible at something so important for our wellbeing and relationships?
First of all, it's only recently that we’ve recognized the deep need to be heard and our correspondingly dismal listening. Because we're so bad at it, the family, work and societal ills that result have proliferated. The vast majority of well-meaning humans don’t truly listen - simply because they never learned!
But now you can equip yourself with skills that empower you to listen to others - and be heard yourself. You'll also learn to share frustrations in a way that leads to creative and satisfying solutions, without fighting. So there'll be no need for cheating or other forms of escape.
These skills can utterly transform your life.
Because to feel heard is to feel loved.
