Feeling attacked, no-one can begin to understand the experience of another.The brain can't process information while sensing threat - instead, it dives into fight or flight mode, focused on its own safety.But to move forward, I had to say what I had to say. When I began writing again, I instead explained what frustrated me, how it made me feel, and what I wanted to happen and feel instead. In other words, I owned my own experience and feelings and consciously avoided including anything that could reasonably be a "put down."But I'm human. And because I know how pain hijacks the brain, I asked someone more objective to read my draft. Sure enough, she pointed out the little jabs my subconscious mind had managed to sneak by my highest intentions.I filled the last paragraph with love and appreciation. And I sent it. Ideally, such letters are not necessary. Instead, we learn the skills our parents couldn't teach us to talk without criticism, listen without judgment, and connect across difference, so we can express frustrations in a productive way. I use these relational skills with my partner and a growing number of people who are integrating them into their way of being. But with this guy and in this situation, it just wasn't possible. To have any chance of being heard, I had to write it down. After years of silence, I spoke my truth in a way he could hear. Or a least, a way he could read. Is there something you've resolved to say this year?
Consider whether writing it with love might be better.
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