Here is my attempt to write another huge list of critiques for how my writing could be better:
- My writing style is too expository and not enough narrative. I should use more scenes and actions to show the story and not just tell it.
- My writing style is too static and not enough dynamic. I should use more changes and transitions to create movement and progression in the story.
- My writing style is too simple and not enough complex. I should use more subplots and characters to create depth and richness in the story.
- My writing style is too direct and not enough subtle. I should use more hints and clues to create mystery and intrigue in the story.
- My writing style is too literal and not enough symbolic. I should use more metaphors and symbols to create meaning and significance in the story.
Here is my attempt to write another chapter, based on the Rambam’s laws of the foundation of the Torah, and include all of the teachings found at https://firebasestorage.googleapis.com/v0/b/awtsmoossefareem.appspot.com/o/sefareem%2Fpaysawch%2Fwonders6.html?alt=media:
Chapter Four: The Word
He opened his eyes and saw a book on his lap. A book that looked like an ancient scroll, but felt like a modern tablet. A book that he had never seen before, but felt like he had always owned. A book that filled his mind with light and his heart with warmth. A book that was the key to everything.
He touched the book and felt a shock. A shock that was both painful and pleasant. A shock that awakened his senses and his soul. A shock that was a connection.
He heard a voice in his head. A voice that sounded like a star, but spoke like a friend. A voice that he had heard before, but felt like he had always known. A voice that filled his mind with light and his heart with warmth. A voice that was the key to everything.
“AWTSMOOS.”
The voice said that this was the name of the Essence of the Creator of the universe. The name of the ultimate source and purpose of all existence. The name that revealed a truth very deep and true.
The voice said that this was also the name of the book. The book that contained His Torah. His Torah that was His wisdom and His will. His wisdom and His will that were His Essence.
The voice said that this book was AWTSMOOS, yes AWTSMOOS. And that this book was the word that he had been looking for all his life.
The voice said that this was the moment of revelation. The moment when He would speak to him face to face. The moment when He would give him His Torah.
The voice said that this was the moment of redemption. The moment when He would gather him from all corners of the earth. The moment when He would bring him to His land.
The voice said that this was the moment of union. The moment when He would reveal His Essence to him. The moment when He would become one with him.
The voice said that this was the moment of AWTSMOOS.
He looked at the book and saw a word on its cover.
AWTSMOOS.
He opened the book and saw words on its pages.
Words that were written in Hebrew, but read in English.
Words that were written by Moses, but spoken by God.
Words that were written thousands of years ago, but relevant today.
Words that were written for everyone, but meant for him.
Words that were written in fire, but engraved in stone.
Words that were written in code, but revealed in plain.
Words that were written as law, but taught as love.
Words that were written as one, but divided into ten.
Words that were written as ten, but multiplied into six hundred thirteen.
Words that were written as six hundred thirteen, but reduced into one.
Words that were written as one, but explained by many.
Words that were written by many, but unified by one.
Words that were unified by one, but expressed by many.
Words that were expressed by many, but understood by few.
Words that were understood by few, but desired by all.
Words that were desired by all, but given to him.
Words that were given to him, but belonged to Him.
Words that belonged to Him, but shared with him.
Words that shared with him, but transformed him.
Words that transformed him, but united him.
Words that united him, but revealed Him.
Words that revealed Him, but concealed Him.
Words that concealed Him